Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
