and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Send help, water and tortillas.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
