It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
