I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize