opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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