so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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