i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
my being single is dangerous.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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