The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
