fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
