They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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