If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
