I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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