Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
