So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
