Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
