found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize