1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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