it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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