I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
