There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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