filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize