like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
