It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
