I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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