toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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