Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Enjoy the penises
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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