Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
