Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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