There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
