i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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