I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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