If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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