i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
