Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
