I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
