i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
