I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
