I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize