What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
