My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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