I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize