made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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