Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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