I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
