Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It all started with a game of naked twister.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
