she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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