i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
