I met the friendliest cop last night
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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