I feel great
I just peed on a car
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
