I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
