I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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