i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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