no, he came in my armpit
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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