I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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