"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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