I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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