Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize