please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
