The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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