god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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