What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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