ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
