First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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