Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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